OH, THE HUMANITY

THE DEMOLITIONIST
A-Pix

"I don't even think or feel like a human being anymore," pouts pretty Nicole Eggert in this Robocop "homage." "I'm just some weird killing machine," the Robobabe complains. Weird, maybe. Tedious, definitely. They have the technology, but they just can't build a believable Richard Grieco. Then again, if you've always wanted to watch the former 21 Jump Street star's head melt, you're in luck. Otherwise, EJECT


FEMALIEN
Surrender Cinema

With such an inspired title, I'm willing to forgive almost anything. And the tag line: "She's a totally different species"--genius! But this tale about a buxom energy being from beyond dropping in to "collect data" on "physical pleasure" is simply uninspired porn without the money shots. And that is unforgivable. EJECT.


FORBIDDEN ZONE: ALIEN ABDUCTION
Cult Video

Here, the same Femalien premise has been transformed into--on the one hand--an artsy investigation into the paranormal, and--on the other hand--five nearly nude chicks sitting around a sauna remembering when they were completely nude. Either way, "A" for effort, "I" for incoherence. The saunettes enjoy using words like "epiphany." I had one and I was fully clothed: The button labeled EJECT.


THE MAN WITH THE PERFECT SWING
Monarch

In Happy Gilmore, a doofus applied hockey skills to golf. Here, a dreamer thinks his baseball talent will make him rich on the links. Like the game, Swing is fairly pleasant, but real slow going. Duffers may enjoy the pace. For the rest of us, watching this golf movie is as entertaining as, well, watching golf. PAUSE.


NIGHT HUNTER
New Horizons

Despite the title, it's cheaper to film in daylight than at night, so the producers tossed out years of vampire lore, scheduled morning shoots and hired martial artist Don "The Dragon" Wilson to show that kung fu and head butts are better than a cross or a stake through the heart for fighting the undead. Thankfully, the feral Wilson has almost no dialogue in his silent but deadly quest to destroy a disco-hopping vampire cartel led by the elegantly slithery Nicholas Guest (brother of Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel!). Stylishly derivative, Hunter proves that bad movies don't have to stink. PLAY.


ONE GOOD TURN
BMG Video

Mr. Weepy meets Mr. Creepy and darn if I wasn't rooting for the disturbing James Remar to beat some sense into the simpering "male" lead. A yuppie reunites with a down-and-out mystery man who once saved his life and utters the words you should never say to anyone: "Why don't you stay in our pool house?" Things don't go swimmingly, especially for the woefully neglected Suzy Amis. She should have ditched both crybaby husband and her agent. EJECT.


THEODORE REX
New Line Home Video CC

"If at any time you feel overwhelmed, disengage the activity and return to your starship." Such were Femalien's instructions. Whoopie Goldberg lacked a similarly perceptive escape clause and her latest movie was thus sentenced straight to video. Whoever advised co-starring with a guy in a dinosaur suit--which is frankly more flattering than the latex gear Whoopie is shoehorned into--needs to take a meeting with a certain weird killing machine. In fact, everyone involved should. Silly, but not silly enough for kids, I watched until I didn't think or feel like a human being anymore. If you want me, I'll be in my starship. BULK ERASE


Next: Jeepers, Creepers